Monday, April 9, 2012

Feeling more than a little.....

I don't know... Grumpy? Bothered? Uncomfortable? Not sure.... Definitely not apathetic. But, not sure how to describe how I feel.

I feel like I have been trying to make myself feel something I don't, in so many ways. I have been self-medicating with my drugs of choice:

I got off work on Saturday morning, went home, put my pajamas on, and did not leave the house again until this evening to come back to work. Just felt really down. Spent the whole weekend alternating between watching TV and sleeping. I felt like the sad little oval from that commercial. The one with the storm cloud over it.

I am so tired of feeling lonely. I always feel like an outsider. I feel like if I could be here, but have my family and friends nearby, I would feel so much better. I love my kid and my husband, I don't have anyone else here......

Like in "About a Boy" when Marcus realizes that two is not enough....You need at least three. Well, three is not enough, either.

I feel dissatisfied with my job. I feel dissatisfied at home. I am getting ready to go back to school, not because I want to, but because I feel like I have to. I want to be active in the community, but I am afraid of people judging me. (Why would I even be concerned with that?) My husband never wants to do anything, using no $$ as an excuse to just sit at home, hang out with our neighbor or sleep all the time.

I feel like I can't really express my feelings. And, to whom would I express them anyway? I am so full of self-hatred. I used to think of myself as a good person. I would volunteer. I would organize toy drives in my office. I would do things. And, lately, I was filling out a survey or something, and I feel like I am becomming very bitter and cynical. That is so not what I want to be.


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