Saturday, March 17, 2012
♫Sing along Saturday!!♫
Sometime, I feel like there literally is a hole in my heart. A feeling that something is missing inside me. Try as I might to fill the hole with things, clothes, food, there is nothing that makes me feel the peace I seek.
I have Pinboards full of clothes I'll never buy, projects I'll never do, decorating ideas I'll never implement.
I have so many clothes. Too, too many clothes. What are these clothes for? Are they for a life that I wish I had? Are they for the person I wish I could be? They must be, because there are items I have that I see no use for.
Case in point.
Most of what you see in this closet.....I have never worn. I have shoes....that I will probably never wear, because I don't do heels. I have purses...but I only use maybe three.
I have more yarn and patterns than I will need. There is a term for this kind of behavior: S.A.B.L.E. (stash acquisition beyond life expectancy) I like knitting, don't get me wrong. But how many hat patterns do I need? How many scarves will I actually knit?
All of these skeins are still un-knit and they were purchased 7 years ago. This is from my former blog.
When I am out shopping, I may purchase an item. I get this almost euphoric feeling come over me, and then I want to get more, more, more. At the fabric store, the gardening supply, even the likes of the Salvation Army!!!! (The only time I don't have this feeling is when I am grocery shopping, which I loathe!) Looking at style blogs, reading catalogs, online window-shopping, will literally keep me up all night. Just this past Saturday night, before going to sleep I was looking through (of all things!) an LL BEAN catalog (stop laughing), and I literally could not sleep for dreams of red sailor shirts and khaki pants.
Even food. Sometimes, eating is just to fill a void. But, no matter what, how much, when, it will never be enough. Will never feed that hunger.
I know my husbeast wishes I would try to fill my void with sex. No such luck for him. That is a whole other ball of wax.
Thank heavens I don't collect cats, or creepy dolls, or stuff like that. I am by no means a hoarder. You have seen enough of my house to know that. I just feel like I'm chasing something.....a feeling. But what is causing this?
Is it my f**ked up relationships with my family? (mother issues. how cliche.) Is it the scars left by an alcoholic, molester step-father? Is it never having had a relationship with my birth father?
One could say, "Well, you have to be allowed to dream." Am I dreaming for this life, or planning out my next one? I have actually heard myself say, "Next time around I am going to do __________ differently."
I know there are those out there that will send me straight to church. I have tried the church route. I just end up feeling more alone. More sad. Perhaps I have not found the right church?
Perhaps I need therapy. (ding, ding, ding!!!)
I find the only times I am really, truly happy and feel that peace I seek is when I am traveling, just doing the drive arounds with the family, or like this week when I was just out communing with nature. That is when I feel peace. It is all the other time...there is just this aching I can not even describe.